Thursday, 30 May 2013

I can't wait to go to hell

As an Atheist, I am reminded constantly that my lack of faith in the flying spaghetti monster will lead to my inevitable one way trip to hell. When I walk through my native city of Glasgow, there are preachers who hand out leaflets that are a reminder of each and every sin I have committed. The more and more I read these leaflets, the more and more I am quite frankly looking forward to hell.

You're telling me that I can have sex before marriage, listen to heavy metal and enjoy life and then go to a place that is full of like minded individuals who are willing to create the largest orgy on record while some AC/DC and Steel Panther plays in the distance? I may actually start believing in religion if that is to be my eventual outcome.

Silly isn't it? According to right-leaning religious creeds, every little sin will be accounted for and tolled against me by St. Peter or Nicholas (I lose track of who does what), to which I will then be cast into a tropical paradise full of rockers, beautiful women and Charlie Sheen? I call that winning.

It strikes as strange that no religion or denomination can agree on what exactly hell looks like; I would expect that if God were all powerful then, at the very least, he would leave perhaps a picture on Tumblr showing the real hell. Unfortunately, no such luck. Despite looking through the tag 'hell' in Tumblr, all I was able to source were pictures of broken IPhones, bad hair days, insecure tweens and memes. Is God sending us a message to indicate that hell is essentially going to look like a modern day remake of Saved by the Bell?

Where do I sign up again?

As an Atheist, it comes to thought that perhaps the reason that hell is so sporadic in its description is perhaps the bible is being viewed as any other piece of fiction -- inside the reader's mind. Hell is no more of a worry to me than stepping in the rear left overs of a dog; that is to say that it isn't really a worry: I simply wipe it from my mind as I would wipe the brown from my shoe. Religion has often used the fear element to meet its quote of follows, and while I respect their right to base convictions and morals off of a 1600 year old book that has been rewritten twenty times, I would like to be left alone without having to be told that I am a bad person for embracing the beauty of a pseudo-secular society. Religion only becomes a problem when it forces ideals onto those who do not wish to follow them -- sort of like the right winged political parties. 

I stated that I respect their right to their religion, and I do, however that wont stop me from tearing it into several million small chunks. Let's start off by finding several contradictions:

"So they sent twelve thousand warriors to Jabesh-gilead with orders to kill everyone there, including women and children.  "This is what you are to do," they said. "Completely destroy all the males and every woman who is not a virgin."  Among the residents of Jabesh-gilead they found four hundred young virgins who had never slept with a man, and they brought them to the camp at Shiloh in the land of Canaan." Judges 21:10-24 NLT

Wait. So it's alright to have sex before (or commit adultery) marriage so long as you murder innocent dwellers and force your self upon the women and rape them? This isn't a part of the bible where they show the brutality of worshipers of 'false Gods', this is literally the depiction of Christian warriors, and even worse, after they rape those virgins, they need more:

Then they thought of the annual festival of the LORD held in Shiloh, between Lebonah and Bethel, along the east side of the road that goes from Bethel to Shechem.  They told the men of Benjamin who still needed wives, "Go and hide in the vineyards.  When the women of Shiloh come out for their dances, rush out from the vineyards, and each of you can take one of them home to be your wife!  And when their fathers and brothers come to us in protest, we will tell them, 'Please be understanding.  Let them have your daughters, for we didn't find enough wives for them when we destroyed Jabesh-gilead. Judges 21:10-24 NLT

Dick move guys, dick move.

Chastised a little, they shall be greatly blessed, because God tried them and found them worthy of himself.  As gold in the furnace, he proved them, and as sacrificial offerings he took them to himself.  In the time of their visitation they shall shine, and shall dart about as sparks through stubble. Wisdom 3:5-7 NAB - The Book of The Wisdom of Solomon

Above is one of those passages from the Bible where even the Christians went 'wooooah not cool bro!' and excluded it, with exception to the Roman Catholic Church which saw it fit to include verses of human sacrifice by fire to God. This is what I mean about inconsistencies; seriously, go look through the New Testament - IT'S NOT THERE. I read through the Methodist, Church of Scotland and Baptist editions and I couldn't find it!

 Anyone arrogant enough to reject the verdict of the judge or of the priest who represents the LORD your God must be put to death.  Such evil must be purged from Israel. Deuteronomy 17:12 NLT

If a man lies with a male as with a women, both of them shall be put to death for their abominable deed; they have forfeited their lives."  Leviticus 20:13 NAB

Whoever strikes his father or mother shall be put to death. Exodus 21:15 NAB

From there Elisha went up to Bethel.  While he was on his way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him.  "Go up baldhead," they shouted, "go up baldhead!"  The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the Lord.  Then two shebears came out of the woods and tore forty two of the children to pieces. 2 Kings 2:23-24 NAB

Anyone who is captured will be run through with a sword.  Their little children will be dashed to death right before their eyes.  Their homes will be sacked and their wives raped by the attacking hordes.  For I will stir up the Medes against Babylon, and no amount of silver or gold will buy them off.  The attacking armies will shoot down the young people with arrows.  They will have no mercy on helpless babies and will show no compassion for the children. Isaiah 13:15-18 NLT

So let me cap:
  • It's not alright for me to have sex before marriage - unless I rape an entire village full of virgins?
  • I can burn people alive as a birthday gift to God?
  • I can murder children is their cheeky
  • If I flip a Priest off for taking the last Subway cookie, I'll be put to death?
  • I should murder the children and rape the wives of any man who beats me on Call of Duty?
Okay just...stay cool, mkay?

I have so many quotes and not nearly enough time in the world to go through them all. From what I understand of the bible, Atheists and Christians will be going to hell in equal quantities simply for farting. 

So to all my fellow Atheists out there, save me a VIP badge to the Motorhead and Anthrax gigs in hell; make sure that there's a chilled bottle of Jack Daniels, and try to find some curvy punkrockers for me to spend the night with.

I'm the Young Political Radical. Stay opinionated, and stay beautiful!

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