Friday, 17 May 2013

Job Opening: Championship Gambling league

An exciting new opportunity for gambling experts has opened up in the City of London.

Want to earn 1mil+?
No previous experience?
No numeracy or economical skills?

We may have the perfect job for you!

Organisation description

The City of London is a leader in gambling away the hopes and dreams of millions of people at no loss to our staff. We are proud to say that we have the British Government's balls in a vice, and we are not afraid to let them know it!

Current success stories include crashing the British Economy into the gates of Mordor full speed; being bailed out while retaining massive bonuses; controlling the conservative government like a string puppet; Borus Johnson's haircut.

Job requirements & description:

  • No connections or love for the common people
  • No morals
  • Spine like a jelly fish
  • Pig's snout 
  • Gamble away millions of pounds a day with no regard for the after effects on people throughout the country 
  • A Swiss bank account
  • An oversees address, to avoid tax, of course
  • No common sense of knowledge of economics 
  • A signed picture of Margaret Thatcher's rump
Job Benefits:

  • Ever seen Star Wars and wanted to be a Sith Lord? Well, as a gambler within the City of London, you are almost guaranteed a Lordship, so long as you 'donate' funding to whatever party is in power
  • No risk! The nation is shit scared of what would happen if our business was to collapse, so don't worry, whatever you lose will be subsidized by the spineless British state
  • Non performance based bonuses which could double, triple of even ten-fold you income! Don't worry if you failed to meet your targets, or have caused the country insufferable pain, our culture allows us to pay you!

How to apply:

All you need to do is come from a rich background with a father or mother of substantial power who can bribe the right people into giving you control of stocks and bonds.

No need to work your way up like the common plebs, we've got you covered!

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